I’ve been a bad, bad girl

“…I’ve been careless with a delicate man.”  Oh Fiona Apple, how I wish that was the reason why I’ve ignored this blog for the past few months!

I’ve been all over the place doing all sorts of “bad things” during these past few months.  And “bad” was not fun either.  ”Bad” was not like, bad dirty sex.  No worries, Mom.  I pretty much have been overindulgent in every sense of the word, especially when it comes to my wallet and my tummy.  I think I can sum up the past few months in the following actual Facebook status updates that I have put up during the past months (posted in order of occurence, with the first one being the oldest):

1) everyone is engaged and i seriously need to get drunk more often.

2) wow i ma going to haebb a tough morning. hsit.

3) okay pam step away from the banana republic 30% off sale… far far away.

4) tell me why things change but it feels the same if life is such a game how come people all act the same tell me why

5) never eating brisket nachos ever EVER again. (also known as THE WAKEUP CALL)

So, how exactly are all of these status updates related?  While laying in the fetal position in bed for the past few hours, thinking and praying that I don’t have to go to the bathroom for the 10th time today, I realized that I am trying to fill a void.  OMG REVELATION, WTF… well duh Pam, right?  I think this is the time I fully grasped it.  Without getting too personal, I have basically been experiencing what is being referenced as The Quarter-Life Crisis.   I would say that my crisis currently includes (edited via Wikipedia):

• realizing that the pursuits of one’s peers are useless
• confronting their own mortality
• watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
• disappointment with one’s job
• boredom with social interactions
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
• frustration with social skills

It seems so silly to have a label for this “condition,” but it’s overwhelmingly present.  I just feel stuck.  I’m overweight, broke, and single.  God what a catch!  My cousin and I joked early on about how I should’ve called this blog, “Fat, Broke, and Sexless in the City.”  Would you have read this if I had honestly called it that?  Ha.

Stuck.  Why am I stuck?  Because I’m not taking any damn action.  I’m the girl who likes to eat shitty things, then complain that I gained weight, yet also refuses to hit the gym.  I’m the girl that goes on shopping sprees, not thinking of the consequences until I get home and quickly realize I need to return 4 out of the 5 dresses I just bought at Banana Republic.  I’m the girl that is stressing out and dipping into her savings account to pay her bills.  I’m the girl that buys all of this pretty shit, simply to sit at home alone and talk to her exboyfriend online.  (By the way, he has a girlfriend so what the fuck am I doing?)  Lastly, I’m the girl who can’t help but burst into tears instantly when I think that my Mom has baby clothes in the attic for her unborn grandchildren, while also fearing that she is going to pass away at any second.  (And I honestly can’t help but cry like a baby as I type this out, especially.)

My problem is that I am trying to live life in the backseat, just waiting for great things to happen to me.  Why should I have to work for things, when all of these people out there can live easily and happy?  Why should I have to work so hard at it?  I have always had this strange sense of entitlement, and this is definitely a startling wake up call.  Obviously, when you work harder at something the reward is that much sweeter.  I need to remind myself of that, seriously.  And another thing I need to remind myself of?  Life is not bad, and people don’t suck as much as I’d like to think.

I think my mantra was always “Don’t even bother, it’s not even worth it.”  Well, how do you know if you don’t try?  I always think the worst in people and situations, and feel like it’s a trap to make me look like a fool. My new mantra: “Just try it, you might meet a friend, or even better, a husband.”  And, I am serious about that husband part.

So here’s to me trying to take some action!  I know this was all so depressing, but it can only get better from here, right?

…Right?!