I’ve been a bad, bad girl

“…I’ve been careless with a delicate man.”  Oh Fiona Apple, how I wish that was the reason why I’ve ignored this blog for the past few months!

I’ve been all over the place doing all sorts of “bad things” during these past few months.  And “bad” was not fun either.  ”Bad” was not like, bad dirty sex.  No worries, Mom.  I pretty much have been overindulgent in every sense of the word, especially when it comes to my wallet and my tummy.  I think I can sum up the past few months in the following actual Facebook status updates that I have put up during the past months (posted in order of occurence, with the first one being the oldest):

1) everyone is engaged and i seriously need to get drunk more often.

2) wow i ma going to haebb a tough morning. hsit.

3) okay pam step away from the banana republic 30% off sale… far far away.

4) tell me why things change but it feels the same if life is such a game how come people all act the same tell me why

5) never eating brisket nachos ever EVER again. (also known as THE WAKEUP CALL)

So, how exactly are all of these status updates related?  While laying in the fetal position in bed for the past few hours, thinking and praying that I don’t have to go to the bathroom for the 10th time today, I realized that I am trying to fill a void.  OMG REVELATION, WTF… well duh Pam, right?  I think this is the time I fully grasped it.  Without getting too personal, I have basically been experiencing what is being referenced as The Quarter-Life Crisis.   I would say that my crisis currently includes (edited via Wikipedia):

• realizing that the pursuits of one’s peers are useless
• confronting their own mortality
• watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
• disappointment with one’s job
• boredom with social interactions
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
• frustration with social skills

It seems so silly to have a label for this “condition,” but it’s overwhelmingly present.  I just feel stuck.  I’m overweight, broke, and single.  God what a catch!  My cousin and I joked early on about how I should’ve called this blog, “Fat, Broke, and Sexless in the City.”  Would you have read this if I had honestly called it that?  Ha.

Stuck.  Why am I stuck?  Because I’m not taking any damn action.  I’m the girl who likes to eat shitty things, then complain that I gained weight, yet also refuses to hit the gym.  I’m the girl that goes on shopping sprees, not thinking of the consequences until I get home and quickly realize I need to return 4 out of the 5 dresses I just bought at Banana Republic.  I’m the girl that is stressing out and dipping into her savings account to pay her bills.  I’m the girl that buys all of this pretty shit, simply to sit at home alone and talk to her exboyfriend online.  (By the way, he has a girlfriend so what the fuck am I doing?)  Lastly, I’m the girl who can’t help but burst into tears instantly when I think that my Mom has baby clothes in the attic for her unborn grandchildren, while also fearing that she is going to pass away at any second.  (And I honestly can’t help but cry like a baby as I type this out, especially.)

My problem is that I am trying to live life in the backseat, just waiting for great things to happen to me.  Why should I have to work for things, when all of these people out there can live easily and happy?  Why should I have to work so hard at it?  I have always had this strange sense of entitlement, and this is definitely a startling wake up call.  Obviously, when you work harder at something the reward is that much sweeter.  I need to remind myself of that, seriously.  And another thing I need to remind myself of?  Life is not bad, and people don’t suck as much as I’d like to think.

I think my mantra was always “Don’t even bother, it’s not even worth it.”  Well, how do you know if you don’t try?  I always think the worst in people and situations, and feel like it’s a trap to make me look like a fool. My new mantra: “Just try it, you might meet a friend, or even better, a husband.”  And, I am serious about that husband part.

So here’s to me trying to take some action!  I know this was all so depressing, but it can only get better from here, right?

…Right?!

A quickie.

I never thought I’d quote Kim Kardashian’s twitter, but she’s so right. “A moment on the lips, is a lifetime on the hips.” Say no to all those extras!  For me, the “extras” are chocolate, ice cream, and chips.  I can proudly say I haven’t had any in a long time now (unless we include Skinny Cow, but if we do include that, then I just can’t survive!)

Roll Out! Roll Out! Roll Out!

Where’d you get that platinum chain with them diamonds in it?

Oh, hello there.  Just listening to some Ludacris, which always puts me in a work out mood.  Too bad I haven’t worked out for over a week.  I need to keep this whole motivation thing high since my time with Susie (nutrition coach) has ended.  I will no longer have someone to force me to take ownership and responsibilities over my actions, or lack there of, when it comes to my eating habits.  I’m doing pretty well actually.  Let’s see how today went:

Breakfast: 2 over-hard eggs, tomatoes, basil, portobello mushrooms with 2 slices of whole wheat toast.  iced latte with skim milk.

Snack: Fiber one bar

Lunch: whole wheat tortilla pizza with gorgonzola, spinach, and pear.

Snack: Fiber one bar

Dinner: two string cheeses

As you can see, I had a decent day, though I really should have had some sort of protein to go with my dinner.  Honestly, a typical day for me is similar to this, but this was pretty drastically empty because I only have carbs in my refrigerator (whole wheat bread, whole wheat tortilla, etc).  I really need to go food shopping, but I can’t seem to make my food interesting anymore.  I just turn everything into a whole wheat tortilla pizza party.  They’re pretty good though, I must say!

Now, typically when I have these empty refrigerator days, I go overboard and order takeout.  About $25 worth of indian food usually… and I was able to fight off this temptation.  Not just because of the tons of white rice and naan I’d be devouring to simply go straight to my stomach, but because $25 is a lot to blow on dinner by myself without some sort of ambiance or a companion.  I’ve decided that if I’m going to spend money on outside food, it better be in a social setting, otherwise what is the point?  Basically, the only way I am allowed to eat any outside food is if I am within a social situation.

Why is this such a big deal?  Well, people don’t really know this about me, but I am a big homebody.  I would rather stay in, watch a movie, and be on the computer all day.  There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this, but its definitely not a rewarding experience.  So why reward such a lonesome experience with a $25 meal?  Just to eat all by my lonesome?  Booooring.  So done with that.

Oh, and by the way I am now at 173.  I lost all the water weight that I was latching onto last week PLUS fat.  Whoo hoo!  But I still have a ways to go.  My goal originally was to be around 140 by September, but I have realized the importance of making smaller goals and sticking to them.  Just take it meal by meal, day by day, pretty much.  It’s working well for me so far.

Now, if only I could get this whole gym situation started.  Actually, Self Magazine just started a customize-your-own-workout-video program for FREE, which is pretty awesome.  I enjoy videos, but I am very visual and it needs to be at a slower beginner’s pace.  This was perfect for me.  It also divides the videos (all typically between 30-60 seconds long) according to what parts of the body is aimed for.  I’m gonna try to do these workouts until I get up enough motivation to get my butt to the gym.

All right, that’s it for now.  ’Til next week!  By then, I hope to be at the 170 mark.  Crossing my fingers.

Oh and check out my awesome new hair:

“Where the F have you been?!”

It’s been a few months, and I’ve finally gotten the motivation to write up again.  Actually, I am moreso irritated right now and was just looking for a way to get some aggression out.   Anyways, HELLO.

You probably think I am super fabulous and just got back from London, but sadly that’s not the case.  I’ve been back for about 1.5 to 2 months now.  I’ve just been very unmotivated, in a general sense, and it’s been pretty obvious in terms of my diet as well.  I’ve lost a few pounds VERY slowly since I’ve last been here.  I’m around the 176 mark, but lately I’ve just been craving all things fried, creamy, and sauce-y.

It’s possibly PMS, but also because I am getting so bored with my food.  Instead of going for some lame-o salad, I go for the chicken tikka masala with naan and chicken samosas.  Oh, and then for the next day’s dinner, I decide it’s a super idea to have Kraft mac and cheese, the kind that has the pre-made cheese sauce you just slather all over.  I hadn’t had it in years, and it was just sooooo good… until I saw how much water I was retaining.

I don’t mean “saw” as in the scale.  I looked and the mirror and nothing would fit me right.  I know I am probably PMS bloat-ey, but it’s kind of a shitty feeling when you’re looking for something to wear to work, and you end up looking like the shape of an ice cream cone (mmm, could totally use one… but will have to pass, i guess).

I saw Susie, my nutrition liaison, on Wednesday and I told her about my recent cravings and how i’ve just gone for them.  I asked her funny things like, “Is butter REALLY the devil?”  She says no, but I should only use 1/2 tablespoon of butter in a serving of pasta.  I say, “Dude seriously?!”  And she just says the most dreadful words I ever did hear…

“YOU HAVE TO GET OVER THE TASTE OF FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!”

I heard my heart break at that moment.  We went in circles about what is the point of eating if not to enjoy the experience of food; texture, flavor, and social company.  She basically said that the food that I am currently drawn to is clearly not making me happy with my body, thus a change needs to happen.  This was a great point.  If I was happy with my body, then I wouldn’t be meeting with her or busting my butt at the gym in the first place.  Something’s gotta give.

She also made another good point.  The going back and forth talk about food and justifying why it should taste a certain way, and why maybe I like having not 1 but 2 cookies or ice cream bars… this was all, what she calls…

FAT GIRL TALK.

But she wisely noted that I’m not a fat girl, otherwise I would love eating bon bons all day in bed and never work my ass off.  True, Susie, very true.  When she said this, it really did click that clearly I am not happy with my current physical and health state.

I thought the hardest part of becoming healthy would’ve been the working out, but it’s actually getting used to less tasty food.  This is really a challenge, and I’m going to see if I can train myself to think the way I want to think about food.  We’ll see how it goes, and hopefully I’ll be back soon to tell you more.

I promise to be back in at least… a week.  Okay fine, two weeks.  Let’s be realistic .

OH!  and about 2 weeks ago, I measured my bust.  I lost 2 inches off of my chest.  My friend tells me that wherever fat developed last is where you’ll lose it first.  I’m hoping this is a wonderful sign.  K bye!

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

As I sit here watching Friday Night Lights (the series… SO GOOD!) I look back on the past week, and revel in the fact that I made so many damn good decisions!  Let’s see where to begin…

I’ve been going to the gym pretty much every day this week, except for Tuesday.  I figured that I needed a break.  My body is not feeling so great, but I am hoping that all of this hard work will pay off already.  I’ve been REALLY pushing myself too, probably too much, as I have been told by some people.  Every time I feel like I should take a break, I tell myself “just one minute more.”  That one minute ends up being 2, and then it’s eventually 45 minutes.  I also increase my resistance and/or incline every 2 minutes.  I’m wondering if this is good or bad?  Am I getting way too ahead of myself?

Susie weighed me this past Wednesday, and I gained the 2 pounds back!  WTF, right?!  This was moreso due to me adding salt to everything I was eating.  Now I have become more cognizant, and am requesting that salt not be added to any of my meals.  Salt was one of my most favorite things as a kid.  I would sprinkle salt on a napkin, lick my finger, then dip it in the salt and eat it.  Yup, now I am giving it up!  I’m actually happy about this, since high blood pressure runs in my family, and I would love to prevent any sort of conditions that can lead to even further complications.

Let’s see… any bad foods?  There’s always gotta be a couple of those, right?  I did have a burger with fries, but probably only about 10 fries, out of the 30 or so available.  This is a HUGE accomplishment for me!  French fries are probably the hardest things for me to have in moderation, that and chocolate.

Ohhhh, and chocolate.  I’ve recognized that this is absolutely my trigger food.  One piece of chocolate down, 5 more bars to go… but no more!  I will NOT be a slave to chocolate!  This past week, I actually only had 2 fun-sized Hershey’s chocolates… not too shabby!

So in short, I’ve probably developed skill which I thought would be impossible to ever obtain: self control and self discipline.  I have always acted on impulse when it came to so many things: food, drinking, shopping… animal instincts (ummm TMI).  Now, I’ve learned that some things are just not worthy.  Why eat a 500-calorie slice of cake for dessert, when you’re going to have to stay in the gym for an extra hour just to burn that off? Yea!  Seriously, who even has that time?  I barely can stay the hour and a half that I try to stay when I’m there.  When I put it this way, it totally makes sense.  I’ve got this constant equation in my head of things I’ve eaten and how much water I have drank in the day (usually obvious due to my frequent pee runs).

Oh, and not that anyone even remembers this blog was initially about overeating AND overspending, but I haven’t bought any clothes lately!  I did buy some boots, but that’s because I have been eyeing them for a few months now, and the price was right.  This was an online order, which never feels as good as buying it in a store, but I’m hoping that it at least feels a bit satisfying when I finally receive them.  Translation: I am totally returning them, once I receive them.  Get money (as Junior MAFIA plays in my head… holler).

I have been saving more of my money each week, as I tend to usually zero out my bank account instantly when pay day comes around.  It’s been pretty nice to have extra money in my account.  AND my box o’ 5′s and 50′s has been going well.  I had to dabble into it a few weeks back due to lack of funds, but I decided I had to add DOUBLE the amount I took out.  Nice, huh?!

That’s it for now!  Hopefully I’ll be back 2 or 3 pounds less!

I thought I’d make this a little more interesting by adding some pictures.  Please don’t post them and pretend they’re you.  Not that you’d want to.  K thanks.

October 2009

March 7, 2010.  RIGHT NOW.  Loooser.

I can’t feel my legs!

Just a mini update… I feel so blah-ed out right now.  My arms hurt.  My back hurts.  My bra’s too tight, my booty shakes to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right…

BTW, I was weighed by Susie this past Wednesday, and I lost one pound.  I know this may not seem like such a big deal, but it was an entire pound of fat, pretty much according to whatever calculations and measurements Susie has been recording.  I am now at 179.6 pounds, compared to the 185 I was when I first started this blog.  Whoo hoo!

I am now super SUPER planning to go to the gym every single day this week.  I gym-ed it this past Saturday and also this morning.  I usually stay for an hour and a half each time.  I’ve been in such great spirits, but my body is feeling more and more like it’s about to fall over if someone just blows at me.

So now I am just sitting in bed watching Friday Night Lights and resting.  Oh, and I just ate an entire bag of edamame.  It could’ve been worse, I do have a bag of Oreos in my pantry that I didn’t touch.  Plus, I didn’t realize how much nutritional value edamame has.  Tons and tons of fiber.  They will definitely be my new snack staple.  No more potato chips for me!

I am working on a list of goals and rewards for myself and will be posting it later this week.  Example:

Goal: Lose 10 pounds.

Reward: Treat self to a nice meal at one of Mario Batali’s restaurants.  (This is what too much Food Network will do to you.)

What other kinds of goals and rewards do you think I should create for myself?  Maybe one that involves a pint of Haagen Daz ice cream after I lose 30 pounds?!  I need some major healthy sweets that doesn’t involve just eating fruit all day.  I deserve a damn cookie!  Hunger + pain = ANGRY, BITTER PAM.

Okay, okay!

All right, all right!  I swear I will try my best to keep up with this thing.  I always feel updates aren’t worth it unless they are some, I don’t know, legendary news goin’ on, like “OMG guys I suddenly lost 10 inches off of my waist!”  Which I haven’t.  You’ll have to settle for my mediocre achievements.

I’ve joined a gym.  Actually, I joined a month ago but have only gone less than a handful of times.  The weather just was not suitable enough for me to trek my ass to the gym… right?  Lies and lies (kinda sorta, we did get a great deal of snow about a week and a half ago).   I’ve just been lazy honestly.  I’m starting to develop that whole attitude of “Eh whatever I’m meant to be fat… I’m happy– what’s wrong with that?!”  Can someone say EMERGENCY?!?!  Someone take away the King-sized Hershey’s Symphony bars and Oreos and get my ass on the treadmill elliptical.  (Side note: I am absolutely terrified of the treadmill.  I have NO idea how a person balances on it and refuse to try it.  I do realize this makes me a complete dork.)

And yes, I did say KING-SIZED HERSHEY’S SYMPHONY BARS.  KING-SIZED. BARS.  Not just one.  Seriously, I was totally in need of an intervention…

Which is where my recent trips to the gym come in!  My gym signed me up for a free consultation with a “nutritionist,” though I like to call her more of a life coach.  We will call her Susie.  I wasn’t too sure what to expect from meeting with her, especially since she was busy on her Blackberry.  Little did I know, she was looking for a picture of herself to show me of herself at 160 pounds.  Dude, I was shocked.  She was probably 120 pounds or less now.  She was the same age as me, and I needed to know how I could do that like ASAP.

It turns out she was pretty cool!  She totally understood how it was to not be able to fit into a damn Large at Forever 21.  She experienced some health issues with her father, where I could relate with the recent loss of my grandmother due to kidney failure and numerous other issues.  I told her I mainly want to lose weight to get a healthy lifestyle going, because if I die it’s not going to be for something I had no control over.  I refuse to go down that way.

Another reason, and I had no shame in telling her this, as to why I want to lose all this weight is because I really want to be able to wear a bikini and look good in it.  And by “look good,” I want like pre-K-Fed Britney Spears’ body if possible.  No rolls.  No back fat.  No thunder thighs.  No arm flab, if at all possible.  Susie said I could probably get as close to this as possible by September, but it’s going to take some changes in my diet and some working out.

(FYI: I understand how “anti-women” it may seem to want to objectify myself in a bikini, but I really just want to be able to wear one for ME.  I have not worn a bikini since I was about 7 years old, and even then I had rolls galore going on.  I’ve been a chubbed out gal since I was a child, and damnit I deserve to wear a bikini and strut my shit at a resort!)

Susie’s given me an easy menu of things I should be eating, by basic food groups (like protein, carbohydrates) for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.  I also have to drink about 2 liters of water a day.  I thought it would be hell to figure out how to make this manageable, but so far I have been pretty good.  The only “sins” that I’ve made are having 2 Fiber One pancakes for dinner last night (I should’ve only had one) and a chocolate bar I had today (regular sized… it was for my coworker’s daughter’s school!  Can’t say no to charity!).   Overall, it is about a 1500 calorie diet, but I’m not counting the calories like I was before.  Instead, I am just watching the actual foods I do allow myself to have.  I still think I am doing very well for myself.

Oh, and I write down every single thing I put in my mouth.  (Har har, you pervs!)  We are meeting weekly so she can review my intake.  My goal for this past week was to lose 2 pounds, and I think I’ve done it.  A good thing about this also is that she does all the measurements each week; arms, thighs, bust, waist… even all those body mass index and all those other technical terms to measure how fat you are.  So, I am hoping to see some great progress by the end of my time with Susie (especially since this is not free… def not at all!)

The hardest part is actually getting to the gym and working out, but I am hoping I can start going 3 times a week.  I’m totally going to be one of those gym freaks now.  I refuse to buy any clothes until I am reasonably close to my goal weight!  We’ll see how that goes.

Be back in a month.  J/K.  Maybe next week?  Toodles.

Day (?): Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?  Or… Happy 16 Days After the New Year!  I know that I have been majorly slacking on my entries, but I think that may have a lot to do with my desire to binge eat for the holidays, and come back thinking everything is A-OK.  Wrong!  Actually, I haven’t been that bad since my last entry a month ago.  It’s only in the past week that I’ve gotten really bad.  This entire week, I have been eating Indian food and Chinese food, but that has a lot to do with my “friend” being in town and kicking me in the abdomen.  Luckily, all that is over.

Before this I was actually doing very well with my eating (spending, not so much, but I will get into that).  I may not have noticed a change on the scale except for a few pounds fluctuating here and there, but I have noticed a smaller waist.  I have also been less bloated in general, especially in my face. I went out to brunch last week to Dos Caminos with my BFF Elise.  As I was getting dressed and putting on these skinny jeans and a cute sweater, I looked in the mirror and noticed I looked fuckin’ good.  And yes, I actually said in the mirror, “Wow, I look fuckin’ good!”  I am going to start keeping some measurements, so that I can know that whatever I’m doing is working and to keep kicking my butt to do so.

But then it was that time of the month.  Side note: I keep thinking of some show I was watching where a man called a woman’s period “arts and crafts for your vagina.”  Does anyone know what I am talking about?  I forget where it came from, help me out.

Anyways, all throughout the week  I have been eating chicken samosas, pork fried rice, and chicken wings, and I’ve noticed immediately the changes in my appearance and overall demeanor.  I am so bloated, and feel ill and stomach ache-y.  I feel extra lazy, and even less focused.  I just want to sleep all day.  Next thing you know, I lay in bed and instantly have to go to the bathroom.  My body is actually rejecting all of these foods, and by “rejecting,” I mean the hardest poop ever.  Not a fun result after you think you’ve had one of the tastiest meals of your life.

I have generally noticed that when I go to my Mom’s for the weekend, I eat crappy foods all day.  Crap such as fried dumplings, Chinese food, diner food, and all the other kinds of bad things you can think of.  And usually that’s when I am straining to get my poop out.  I’ve never given birth, but I imagine it feels this way.  (By “this way,” I mean where a person has to rip off all their clothes because they’re sweating so bad from pushing.)  And if so, I am absolutely ready and trained to have babies on command when that time comes.

If you have made it this far after the whole poop discussion, I commend you.  Now on to my spending habits…

Well, it hasn’t been great.  It’s been downright shitty.  I haven’t been paying much attention to Mint and this is probably a very bad thing.  I have actually been leaving my apartment more and going out, but when I say “going out” this means one of two things: 1) eating, or 2) shopping.  This is not a great combination for someone who is trying to create a healthy lifestyle when it comes to, well, eating and spending.

I’ll be totally honest here: I don’t even remember most of the shit I have bought in the past month.  I think two H&M skirts that looked super cute (and I haven’t worn yet).  Oh, and two dresses from Old Navy, but they were just too adorable to not buy (OMG, but what if they were to run out of my size later on?!).   And six white tank tops from Old Navy, all on sale.  This, I will allow into my budget, as I wear a white tank top everyday under everything I wear.  I’m strange, yes.  And by the way, during my shopping binge, I even managed to find a J.Crew sweater that I was all set to pay $69.00 for, and it ended up being $15.99.  I truly feel like this is a great accomplishment on my part, and I didn’t even do anything.

I don’t really feel like adding any visuals right now, mainly because I haven’t been using Lose It! or Mint recently.  But I will go into some additional expenses that I have added to my monthly bills.  Let me preface this by informing everyone that I love buying and owning DVD’s and books.  Usually, without even watching the movie first, I will end up just buying it simply because I like to feel the DVD cover and just know it’s mine.

Well, last week after reading Charles Perry’s Portrait of A Young Man Drowning I found out via Wikipedia (I wikipedia everything) that there was a film adaptation a few years ago titled Six Ways To Sunday.  Here’s what goes through my head when I find out something like this.

1. Search for DVD on Half.com
2. Add to shopping cart
3. Click checkout
4. Check if bank account has enough money to buy DVD
5. No?  How about the credit cards
6. Nope.  Fuck, what now?!>!?!?!?@#?@#$#

And I went through these actions entirely.  Then, I decided to look up other movies and TV shows I wanted to own and watch, and went through the cycle again.  Mind you, I do not have any cable or basic channels on my beautiful flat screen 37-inch TV.  I can’t afford cable.  I decided I should check out Netflix.  I’ve had it for about 2 weeks now, and so far enjoy it very much.  For $8.99, I was able to watch Season of I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single, If Lucy Fell, The Tao of Steve, Season 2 of The Office, and The Answer Man.  All for just $8.99!  I’ve actually ended up increasing my plan to the $13.99 plan, but I feel I should allow myself to have some entertainment.  Otherwise, I end up refreshing my Facebook every 10 seconds all day, and searching for shit to buy at Target, Overstock, and J.Crew.

By the way, I have been feening to buy something since I got paid on Thursday.  But everytime I am on some store’s website, I am being much more conscious and aware.  I’ve been questioning myself, “Do I really need this right now?” Or, “Why not reward myself after accomplishing my goal in June?”  Then I don’t buy a damn thing at all!

I have been trying to find better things to spend my money on.  Maybe I will end up taking a class, a writing class perhaps.  Or, a Criminal Science Investigation class at John Jay.  Perhaps a cooking class.  Who knows!  I just know that I don’t want to be throwing my money away on things I’m not getting some sort of experience out of.  What do I really get out of buying a skirt that I’ll never wear?  Think about it next time you look in your closet, and realize that everything still has tags on it.  “Oh hello, hundreds of dollars worth of clothes!”  That’s what hundreds of dollars can buy?  Damn, I could’ve bought groceries for a few months with that, instead of eating canned tuna.  (I actually love canned tuna).

Oh, and I bought pamcakesyumyum.com.  Not quite sure what I’m going to do with it, but for now you can get here directly by going to pamcakesyumyum.com.   I was originally thinking of buying fatbrokeandsingleinthecity.com, but decided against it.  That’s just not very lady-like to call yourself fat, I suppose.  Would the Countess say the same?

Day 8: Oops?

I’ve been in hiding.  Yes, quite seriously!  I’m kind of embarrassed as to how bad I was this weekend.  “Bad” not in the sense that I had a wild and crazy night partying and taking body shots (because that is so me).  I broke all of my rules!  I went to my Mom’s in New Jersey for the weekend, and I also had my 4 year old nephew’s birthday party.  Yes, people, I had birthday cake.  Only one piece, but I’m sure that one piece was around 600-700 calories with all the chocolate, cream, and yummyness.  I was pretty good at this party and only had the grilled chicken, tilapia, and salad.  I didn’t even touch the cheesy scalloped potatoes, but god I really wanted some.  Wait, no I just remembered… I wasn’t all that good.  I did have two chocolate chip cookies, which I sincerely regret.  Who knew that there are about 400 calories in two medium-sized chocolate chip cookies?!  That’s just not worth it!

So, where did I go wrong?  Little did I know that my Mom was renovating the kitchen, dining room, and living room.  There was very little access to a microwave or refrigerator, so I had to eat out.  A lesson I need to learn: How to make good choices when going out to eat.  When it comes to money and food, I always feel like I may as well spend it on something incredibly tasty and worth it.  (This is mainly due to the fact that if I’m not spending money on clothes or shoes, then whatever I’m spending my money on better be good!) So, I tend to choose the salty, greasy, fried, and fat developing options.  I’m going to have to train myself to choose the healthier option.

On Monday morning, my sister and I went to IHOP and I did review the healthier menu but it just sounded gross to me.  I’ve never tried egg substitute, but I can’t really see myself enjoying it.  (Though in general, I don’t like eggs unless they are fried and kind of runny– kinda gross I know.)  Of course, what option do I choose but the Colorado Omelette with 3 Buttermilk Pancakes.  I just googled the calories in this, and apparently there are 1,220 calories!  If I ate the entire thing for breakfast, I had basically eaten all of my allotted calories for the day.  Kind of ridic if you ask me.

I didn’t even bother logging the foods of my weekend on LoseIt! up until today.  Yesterday was absolutely ridiculous, I was just binge eating like there was no tomorrow.  Blame it on my “best friend” coming into town.  Yes ladies, that “friend,” and not the “booty call” friend.  I finally finished the Double Stuffed Golden Oreo’s.  Well then, it’s a good thing i just spent $40 on more snacks.

That’s one of my biggest problems; I’m a snacker.  I blame myself for my nephew Kyle’s snacking habits.  I remember sleeping over his house and waking up to grab some Sun Chips.  Next thing you know, Kyle (only about 2 years old then) would wake up and want some.  Next thing you know, he’s loving fruit snacks, chips, pretzels, and all sorts of sodium infused snacks.  Good thing Kyle has good metabolism!

But don’t worry, not all of the snacks I purchased were terrible.  I bought Sugar and Fat Free Jello Instant Chocolate Fudge Pudding.  This stuff is so good and totally hits that sweet spot.  The only fat that you really need to watch out for is the fat in the milk you put in.  Love this stuff!  I also bought Fat Free Soy Crisps.  The first time I tried the fat free ones I thought they were kind of blah, but they quickly grew on me.  Hungry Girl has also been growing on me a bit, so I also bought some Laughing Cow and Babybel cheese.  I realized that almost all of my daily food contains cheese of some sort, so I decided to go for the wiser option.  Now, if only I could find a wiser option for prosciutto.

In terms of exercise, I have continued to try to find new, more home-friendly exercises in addition to The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD (with my boyfriend Bob Harper).  I have free weights, so I’ve been doing some of that.  I also just received another Biggest Loser DVD that I can’t wait to try.  Also, I’ve been thinking of buying a Wii so that I can buy the Wii Fit and the new Jillian Michaels game.  Is it all worth the money?  Oh wait, I just forgot I’m trying to, uh, save.

So far, I haven’t been spending money and I am now trying to keep cash instead of constantly using my debit card.  I just had a $34 overdraft charge for going over my balance by $4.90.  So annoying, but totally my fault for not being more responsible.  I’ve only bought Christmas gifts and birthday gifts so far.  I also bought groceries today.  So far, so good.  I’ll be updating my monetary indulgences towards the end of each month so it gives a more whole picture.

Here is today’s activity on LoseIt!:

I’m not even hungry and I’m way under.  This is probably due to my “best friend” visiting this week.  Damn that “best friend”!  It’s a good thing Ibuprofen has no caloric value.  Actually seeing that my “best friend” kills my appetite, it should stay for another year or so… NOT.

By the way, the Little Debbie Chocolate Cake I had was 100 calories, and about the size of a 1/3 of a bar of soap.  Seriously, it was so small but surprisingly good.  Another impulse buy of mine was Sugar Free Mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  These things are seriously the best sugar free foods I have ever tasted.  But after reviewing the nutritional info, I was kind of wondering if this is better than the real thing or not.  Sure, there was 24% fiber, but saturated fat was 30%… Which is better?!

Also, if anyone could recommend low calorie, even no calorie alcoholic drinks, I’d appreciate it.  Other than drinking vodka straight.  I’ve been needing to get my drink on for quite some time now.  SERIOUSLY, I need something to take the edge off.

Day 2: Bob Harper Kicked My Ass

Firstly, I’m thankful for the encouragement I’ve gotten from friends and family about my efforts!  It’s always great to have confidence in myself that I can do this, but it’s even better to have that same sentiment from others.  Thank you so much!  I’ll tell Matt and Meredith about you guys in June next year when I’m on the show.  (Ha!)

Now back to business.  Of course, it’s really only been a good 24 or so hours since I’ve started my personal mission of “underindulgence.”  Today was my first real day of being fully conscious and making a lifestyle out of this. I would also like to make it a point that I am currently not counting my calories before every single meal.  I feel that right now I’d like to make this as much of a natural progression as possible, and counting calories before every single meal or snack is not really natural.  Don’t get me wrong: I’m watching what I eat.  I’m allowing myself to still have savory snacks and sweets, but only maybe 5 cookies instead of 10.  You’ll see by what I ate today, that maybe they weren’t the best decisions but I maintained my calorie goal today.

I started my day not working out with Bob Harper’s Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD like I had wanted to.  (Don’t you worry, I will get to that!)  I had an espresso with sugar.  I know, sugar is the devil, but I cannot bring myself to like Splenda.  (Does anyone know of better alternatives?)  I also had about 1 cup of Fiber One Honey Clusters.  I discovered Fiber One over the summer after swearing it tasted like cardboard, and now I absolutely love it!  Hungry Girl has so many recipes that uses Fiber One as breading, and it’s totally tasty!  I had made some baked chicken cutlet with regular Fiber One and it was the same taste, minus the grease and monstrously high calories.  But aside from that, on to lunch!

Okay, so I was beyond starving around 11:00 AM and had some pretzels.  Shame on me, but not to worry I only had 5 of them.  Lunch finally came around, and I had 10 Ritz Low Sodium crackers, 2 Teaspoons of Cheddar Cheese, and 5 slices of Prosciutto.  This seems like such a small lunch, but it was filling.  For me, it’s moreso the flavors that are satisfying to me than the size of the meal.  The saltier, the better (tsk, tsk, I know!).

Side note: Please keep in mind that I have absolutely no money to buy any lunch, or even a healthier lunch than I had today.  I was really trying to work with what I had.  Not to worry for the rest of the week, because I made Whole Grain Wheat Shells with Sundried Tomatoes.  Go Pam, Go Pam!

Before dinner, I input my breakfast, lunch, and snacks into Lose It! in order to determine how big of a dinner I can have.  Honestly, I am so broke that all I had was Roast Pork Lo Mein left in my refrigerator and I wanted to see if I was even allowed to have any.  It turns out I had about 820 calories left to use, so I did.  I had perhaps 1.5 cups of the evil Lo Mein (only 671 calories!) and even then I was under my daily goal of 1,488 calories.

Of course, I was still not satisfied and had 5 Double Stuffed Golden Oreos.  I realize this is probably THE WORST ITEM to have in one’s pantry, but I didn’t have any chocolate or fruit.  I can tell you right now that after putting the oreos into Lose It!, I will never again eat these things.  The 5 oreos totaled about 280 calories.  Seriously?!  Never again!

Around 8:00 PM, I was getting restless and thinking of going to bed early… but wait!  I hadn’t done my workout yet, WTF Pam!  The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga with Bob Harper DVD is probably the best workout I’ve ever done through a video.  Firstly, he’s so dreamy and adorable.  Secondly, I really like that the Biggest Loser contestants are the participants in the video.  It’s not any sort of intimidating model-type bitches looking at me as I pant for breath, lose my balance, and drip sweat in places I never wanted to sweat (seriously).

This was not my first time ever doing this workout.  I had done it more regularly about 2 months ago, and was even getting to Level 2.  I did Level 1 today with the Warm Up and Cool Down, and am in some crazy pain.  I was stretching muscles I didn’t even know I had.  I can just tell tomorrow that I am going to be crying for Bob Harper to carry me to work.

As for the visuals, here is today’s Lose It! data:

As you can see, my workout basically cancelled out those damn oreos I decided to indulge in.  From this chart, and just looking back on today, I’ve realized some changes are in order:

1. Change in my schedule.  I need to wake up earlier and eat a bigger breakfast, in order to not be starving once lunch and dinner come around.  This may also help with the definite binge eating cravings that may ensue (and they will!).
2. Once I have some money to spare, I will need to buy some healthy, low calorie snacks so that I am not scrounging for Oreos or any other dangerous foods I may stumble upon in my pantry.
3. Lay off cheese?  Cheese is probably my favorite food, but the calories in cheese seem a little crazy.  I should regulate my cheese intake much more.
4. Work out consistently!  And by consistently, I am talking every day, if possible.  After all, this is a lifestyle change, meaning this needs to become natural and part of my every day activities in order to really work and become natural.

As you can also see from the chart above, I didn’t go over my limit!  Yay!  So those extra 59 calories from yesterday that I went over can be allotted to today.  Hopefully tomorrow and the rest of the week will be just as great.

I also discovered the dangers of champagne.  To be very honest with you and myself, I have drank an entire bottle of champagne in one sitting in the past.  A bottle of champagne is equal to 750 ml which is about 25 ounces, and in each ounce of champagne there is 25-30 calories.  So, in that one sitting that I have had champagne, I’ve downed 1,000 calories.  Seriously! Most of these calories are carbohydrates by the way, with a small amount of protein.  I may as well have eaten 2 Snickers bars.  Believe me, I am thinking twice thrice about even touching those bottles in my refrigerator.

Side note: I assure you that I am not an alcoholic.  I just enjoy cocktails and champagne every now and again, in large volumes, maybe once every 2 weeks.  (There’s no point, if you don’t get a buzz right?)  No need to worry, Mom (if you are hopefully not reading this).

‘Til next time!

Peace, love, and Double Stuffed Golden Oreos Fiber One Honey Clusters,

Pam